I’ll be honest with you guys; I’ve been pretty freakin’ down this week. Sometimes this happens to me. It usually starts small – with a bad day at the office followed by a lazy night inside, binge watching my favorite Netflix series. Then, as I lay wide awake staring at my ceiling, I start to feel guilty. Guilty for not doing my homework, or not doing the laundry… Guilty I didn’t go to the gym or eat a proper dinner. I stay up practically all night, beating myself up about the things I can’t change anymore. Things that have already happened. Then, when I wake up the next morning, I’m tired, I’m tense, and (you guessed it) I’m still feeling guilty. The saga continues.
It is SO HARD to break that cycle. Trust me, I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried to put on some up beat music, I’ve tried taking a bubble bath, wine, calling Paul to talk it through. NOTHING FUCKING HELPS.
I started thinking; it’s hard to break the cycle because the cycle is powerful.
Alarm for the gym goes off. I press snooze and sleep in until the very last minute possible, I rush to get ready for work, I’m late for work, I get snarky looks and comments from the cranky old bitches at the office because I’ve been late the 4 times this week. I get my coffee (which I need to survive in this ridiculously stressful work environment). I play catch up and put out fires all day (because of mistakes I made the day before). Since I’m a hot fucking mess, and frantic all day, I make little mistakes here and little mistakes there until finally, I have a nervous breakdown and close myself in a conference room to cry for 2 or 3 minutes. I get off work, come home, turn on Grey’s anatomy, and watch 4 or 5 episodes until I decide enough is enough and start scrolling through Instagram and Topshop. All the while, I’m feeling guilty I didn’t accomplish more with my day.
I wonder if this is normal. I mean, I know it’s not normal, but I wonder if it’s typical for people like me. People with depressive tendencies. I wonder if sporadically “feeling down” for no good reason ever really goes away.
Yesterday, I tried to break this vicious cycle. Instead of coming home and watching Netflix, I came home and took a steamy hot bubble bath. I sat there for about an hour, reflecting. Thinking about how my mind works and why I could be so happy-go-lucky one week and so depressed and blank the next. I soaked until the water was too cold to relax and my fingers and toes were wrinkly.
I honestly, don’t know where this story is going. I just wanted to let you guys know IM TRYING! I’m trying to be a stronger person. I’m trying to break this depressive ass cycle and most importantly I’m trying to be a healthy minded human being.
I feel the most for my boyfriend, Paul. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to me and he reminds me how amazing and special I am – daily. Yesterday, he sat on the phone with me and reminded me that people are allowed to have bad days. He reminded me that I AM good at my job, I was just having an “off week” and that work and school don’t define WHO I AM. Ugh, I fucking love him and I am so thankful to have such a strong support system.
This is just me thinking out loud (or on paper in this case) but maybe instead of trying to break the cycle, maybe we need create a brand new one? For instance, maybe instead of pressing snooze, I just wake the fuck up? Maybe I actually go to the gym and get that energy and those endorphins to take on the day. How about, I show up to work on time and maybe instead of having coffee I have green tea. I could come home from work and take my puppy for a nice walk downtown and possibly meal prep for the week? Maybe I do one or two school assignments so I don’t have to spend all day Sunday doing them… How does that sound?
You guys… It’s time to completely change my routine. It’s time to take responsibility for my mood and for my depression.
Anyway – not the greatest week for me, but I’m determined to make next week my best.