Fair warning – this post has the possibility of being all over the place. I need that freedom to be completely myself and just let my thoughts flow freely without edit.
Sometimes – more often than not – I feel lost. Like I am 27 years old and have no idea what the hell I want out of this life. Like everyone around me has it all figured out and I still can’t even seem to make it to work on time.
What am I doing?
What do I WANT to be doing?
Is this really it?
Does everyone feel this way?
I get so angry with myself because quite honestly, I have a great job, I make decent money, I have an incredible boyfriend, a circle of friends who would literally die for me, I have a supportive family, a beautiful apartment, I take amazing vacations, I think I’m a pretty smart chick, and from the outside looking in… I have a pretty dope life.
But I am here to tell you – My life is an absolute mess… and last night, I sort of cracked.
See, Paul and I were at one of our infamous date night spots enjoying good wine and a spread of amazing charcuterie when Paul asked the very open ended question “So, what’s going on with work?” I just unraveled. I completely spilled all of the crazy feelings I’ve been having over the past few weeks without taking the opportunity to even catch my breath between thoughts. I jumped from issues at work, to an overloaded school schedule, to how frustrated I am that I can’t lose weight or keep a consistent workout schedule to anything else I could think of.
We. Talked. Through. It. All.
Paul really is just amazing. I don’t even have to articulate what’s bothering me. HE JUST KNOWS! And he gets it! He never gives me those blanket responses like “Oh, stop worrying about what other people think” or “Hang in there, it will get better”. He digs and he digs until he finds the root of the problem and BAM! I’m fixed.
It all boils down to this. I (WE ALL) need to stop comparing our lives to the lives of others and stop trying to make our dreams come true tomorrow. It’s so cliché but so freaking true! We are all guilty of comparing ourselves to others even though we all know how unhealthy it is… even though we all know that 99% of what we see on social media isn’t real or its super embellished.
We all see the photos captioned “WE JUST BOUGHT OUR FIRST HOUSE! #homeowners #happilyeverafter #lifegoals”. What we don’t see are photos captioned “Well … didn’t get approved for the loan we wanted” or “been looking for a house for 8 months and still haven’t found anything we like”.
We see everyone’s milestones and accomplishments and vacations and Sunday Funday pictures but we don’t see their everyday life. The struggles, the pile of dishes in the sink, the failed exams, the promotions they didn’t get, or the fight they had with their boyfriend.
After dinner last night, Paul and I were sitting in the spa with yet another glass of wine. From our spa we can see the apartment building’s gym. I noticed this woman sitting on a machine for what felt like 10 minutes, taking snapchats or posting to her insta story. Then she got up and took a picture of the punching bag and then jumped on the treadmill and took a video of herself running for 10 seconds before she left for the night. It really really pissed me off. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH SOCIAL MEDIA! This is when I lay in bed at 10:30 and hop on instagram to see what my “friends” are up to and see someone at the gym I feel like CRAP! Like I should be doing more with my life.
Being the motivated person that I am, I tend to want the best for myself and for those around me. I push myself way too hard sometimes. I forget to stop and celebrate not only the big accomplishments but the small victories as well. I push, and push, and push and really beat myself up when I don’t feel I quite measure up. Yeah, maybe I don’t make the type of money I’d like to make right now, and I haven’t completed my degree yet, and maybe my fitness goals are on the back burner but I’m TRYING and everyday I’m better than the woman I was the day before.
Social media is amazing. It’s great for keeping in touch with friends and family. It’s great for sparking creativity and new interests, but damn, sometimes it really sucks.
I will end with a quote that really hit home with me today…
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” – Steve Furtick