Isn’t Facebook great about reminding us what happened “on this day” throughout the years? It’s funny, I’m not really a Facebook kind of gal (I much prefer Instagram and my blog where I can speak my mind without someone debating every word I speak) but sometimes, I find myself posting important things JUST so I can look back and remember that two years ago, I drank too much at a local brewery.
This morning as I rolled over in my big empty bed, I checked my phone and there it was. One year since Paul packed his suitcase, kissed my lips and headed to the airport; a routine he and I would be forced to adapt to very quickly. I remember that day well, almost too well. And that night… well that’s a night I won’t forget. By now, some of you might be rolling your eyes thinking “fuck, this girl is dramatic” and listen, I won’t deny my theatrics but that empty feeling that completely consumed by body during those first few weeks was painful. I don’t expect any of you to understand it because like I’ve said many times before, Paul and I have a weird grip on each other.
His plane took off at some ridiculous hour that morning so we both decided to wake up at 4:30 to have “cuddles & coffee” before he left. Everything was fine, I was more nervous than anything since he was flying across the country and if something were to happen to him or to me we couldn’t get to each other right away. #anxietyprobz
Paul and I have been working for the same company throughout our entire relationship, and yes, you guessed it, we met at the office and had that exciting office romance they make movies based off of. Though we didn’t move in right away, he stayed with me every night. I remember after our second or third date, as soon as he kissed me goodbye I felt empty and cold. Almost hollow inside. Like I couldn’t move or think without him physically there with me, a feeling I was not used to feeling because I used to actually enjoy my alone time. He called me when he got home and we talked into the early hours of the morning. That’s when I knew he was different and that’s when we decided we couldn’t spend another night apart.
Paul always does such a great job communicating and we text non-stop so I felt decent throughout the day. Different coworkers kept asking me what I planned to do all week, with Paul being gone and all. I just remember thinking how long the day felt and realizing it was only Monday.
At work, Paul and I used to go down to the café for breakfast, at noon we went home for lunch and at 3 we had coffee together. We did this every day for a year and I felt completely out of place doing it without him. When I got home from work that night, that’s when the darkness and depression really set in. Coming home to our apartment all alone was something I hadn’t done before. We always came home together. We left work together, walked to the parking garage together, stopped by the store together, and greeted our puppy together and doing all of that alone just felt, wrong.
I called him right away to take my mind off of the emptiness and of course discuss his first day as a traveling business man. I listened as he went through his meetings and he explained how he navigated through the different airports. Everything was going fine until he asked me to face-time. As soon as I saw his handsome face it hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing the beige walls with the equally as beige curtains behind him reminded me just how far away he really was. I tried to hold back the tears but my eyes couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want him to know how hard it really was on me because we had talk after talk leading up to this and I assured him countless times that it would be fine. See, we both made a promise to each other before he started traveling. We had to be 100% honest, 100% transparent, 100% in it or he’s coming off the road immediately. I remember wondering if I felt this way on day 1, how was I going to feel 2 or 3 months from now. Day after day with him not being here. Making dinner for 1 and watching our favorite TV shows alone. How was I going to feel about attending dinner parties and events by myself, falling asleep without his arms around me, and how was I possibly going to get out of bed in the morning… knowing this was my life?
I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier, filled with tears and my throat had that feeling you get right before you start to sob so I told him I’d be right back and I silently cried by eyes out in the other room. That was the hardest night in our relationship. See Paul feeds off of my energy and emotion so when I feel pain, he feels it too. When I’m over the top happy he is as well. It’s hard to explain but even when I’m in a bad mood and I haven’t told him yet, he knows. He’s literally 1,500 miles away and he feels what I feel.
The week got better, but not by much. We face-timed from the time we got home until the moment we fell asleep but still, I felt empty. Paul knew I wasn’t doing well and said if it didn’t get better within the next week we would figure out a way to explain to his management team that taking this job was a mistake and he’d beg for his old job back.
To make a long story short we got through it, and we’re doing great! We finally fell into a routine, and turns out, I don’t mind being by myself, although I would much rather be with Paul. Overall, having a traveling boyfriend isn’t horrible I guess. Our weekends are AMAZING! We spend every day we have together, making sure we don’t take a minute for granted. He has all of these hotel perks now and we’ve been able to take advantage of his Elite status with Marriott. We stayed in New York City last year, Daytona in January and we stayed at the Gaylord a few weeks ago for my birthday. All for free. Above it all, this job has made it possible for us to buy a house! A place where we can create a family.
I am so proud of Paul, in every way possible. He has grown so much over the past year and really developed his skills and industry knowledge. I know this isn’t a forever job and I dream about the future where we get to wake up together every day and fall asleep in each other’s arms every night. Until then, we will live this life and take it day by day.
One year down.