Adulting · Depression · The Hunt · Uncategorized

Final Countdown


This is so surreal. Today, Paul and I have an appointment to take our final walk through before we close on our first home.

Tomorrow at about 10:30, Paul and I will officially be HOMEOWNERS!

We’ve done the majority of our packing and the house looks like the inside of a U-Haul truck but there is still so much to do and so little time and I’m starting to freak out a little.

Up until this moment, I have been over the moon excited. I have been on cloud nine counting down the days until we turn the page and start this new chapter together.

Today, when my alarm woke me, the anxiety set in. I really don’t know how I am feeling. It’s all happening so fast and I can’t keep up with it. So many things run through my mind. Is this the right house? Of course it is, it checks off every box. Am I stupid to buy a house with a man I am not married to? Dumb question, it’s 2018 and people are planning to get pregnant without being married. How will my anxiety be when I’m in a house all alone Monday through Friday while Paul is away on business. What if I hear a noise or if someone knocks on the door? Perhaps we should get security cameras but will I obsess over them? Checking them every few minutes to make sure I’m safe? So many what ifs… certainly more than I’m comfortable sharing in this blog post.

Don’t get me wrong… I couldn’t be happier, I’ve just never worried this much about something. If you know me, you know my anxiety is my biggest battle through life, so my hopes are that if I write down these feelings and throw them out into the universe (or the internet in this case) they will go away and I can focus on my positive vibes.

I wonder if this is how most people feel before they walk down the aisle. Although, I can’t imaging I would feel anything other than unfiltered happiness if I were walking towards Paul, planning to devote my heart and soul to him, for better or for worse. I’m a total sap.

I suppose that’s sort of similar to buying a house with a man. You are in it together. A team. And truly, I could live in a cardboard box on the side of the highway and as long as I was with Paul, I’d have everything.

Wow – this post is getting a little deeper than I wanted to get but to be straight forward, this is what this blog was meant for. It’s what it was created to be, an outlet. Somewhere I can be 100% unapologetically me.

So as the young philosopher (and my hero) Demi Lovato once said #SorryNotSorry

Talk to you soon!


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