Dear Diary · Depression · Life · Personal · THINK PIECES

Tick Tock

womens-biological-clocks
What an amazing life I have. If five years ago, you would have asked me where I would be today… I would have never guessed here.

Sometimes, life goes by so fast we forget how much progress we’ve really made over the years. 5 years ago I was sitting in a cubical at quite literally the worst company to work for… working 12 hours a day and hoping and praying that I would find a way out. My boyfriend (at the time) and I lived with a friend of mine and I was an absolute mess. I wish I could describe 23 year old Jacque but I just can’t. I was a slob. I was a horrible girlfriend and an even worse friend. My priorities were all over the place and my personality had more flaws than I care to admit. I had no idea what direction I wanted my life to go in, no career path in mind, I just wanted out of the situation I was in.

Fast forward to today, August 10th 2018. I am finally happy. I know who I am and I love her. I work for a wonderful company and am thriving within it. I push myself mentally and academically. I have some of the most very best friends and a man I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without. We just bought our first house and are planning a future together. Life really seems perfect.

But I’m still so confused. I still want so much more for myself and really push myself to be better. On the surface that sounds like a great thing. We should all be pushing ourselves, shouldn’t we? We should always try to be better than we were yesterday. But where does it stop? When do you stop comparing yourself to others? Even better, when do you stop comparing yourself to the ”you” that you aspire to be.

It’s hard.

For me, I have all of these goals and aspirations but they conflict with each other.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a successful business woman. #GIRLBOSS I’ve wanted to lead people. I wanted to mentor young women and teach them how to be successful. I’ve wanted to climb that ladder and show every statistic out there that women can do it just as well as men can… or better.

But lately, all I can think about is being a mom. See, raising a family has always been something I knew I was born to do. It’s never been a question to me or something I’ve had to think about; I just knew motherhood was my life’s purpose. The problem is, now I have this overwhelming desire to be a “work at home” mom, or even a stay at home mom. This has never appealed to me in the past. Providing for my family financially and making sure my children have everything they need is so important to me. But being there to experience life with them… cherishing every moment and memory. That is everything. I’m sure it’s that whole “biological clock” thing but holy hell… I just feel so overwhelmed with all of these flip flops in my head.

I also have these personal goals that I never seem to be able to achieve. I want to focus on internal peace and really strive to achieve that. I want to get back into meditation and manifestation. I want to learn to be an early morning person… someone who gets up before the sun does and has gratitude in her heart that she was given another day. I want to play with recipes and create new ones (fun fact, this blog was originally meant to be a food blog, one where I would share my love for food and recipes). I want to drink tea and read before I go to sleep. I want to make time to take better care of my skin. I want to get down to my goal weight and STAY THERE! I want to keep a spotless house (I do for the most part but it’s really hard to maintain when I try to accomplish all of these other goals).

I’m at a point in my life where I really need to figure it out. Or am I? Do we ever really figure it out? Maybe I need to take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture.

Am I happy? So happy!

Are there areas in my life that need improving? You betcha.

Am I working on bettering myself? Always.

What the hell am I so anxious about then? It’s okay to not know exactly what your life is going to look like 2 or 3 years from now. Everything will work out as it has always worked out, right? I just need to trust the universe and trust that it will.

Thanks for listening you guys, I feel better. Which by the way, is totally the point of having a blog. I’m actually annoyed with myself kinda. There have been a number of times I come on to write out my feelings and thoughts and then delete them because it sounds like I’m complaining and I don’t want to be that annoying ass girl who thinks her life is in shambles all the time. Screw that. This is real life and if I wanted to just share all of the positive things that happen in my life I would post an update to Facebook.

I’ll work through the struggles and I am completely aware that all of those “struggles” I listed are total and complete first world problem.

Thanks again guys,
XOXO

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